World Beaters...

I think I may have discovered a new sport...



It's a sport that's desi-friendly...


A sport desis can be proud of....



Finally! Desis get to be world champions at summat.




None of that kabadi bullshit...remember that? it used to be on Channel 4 on saturdays...LOL...kabad kabad kabad...what was all that about?


It's called "CricketWank"



Rules are fairly simple...


1) Males only. Women don't understand cricket or any other sport for that matter...i'll not go there.

2) Players must participate in huddles of 5 at the back of the mosque

3) Each game is played in two halves, one half before salah and the other after.

4) Players must be of desi origin. Fobs score higher.

5) Theres no strict law as to which match is analysed. Although wanking over the most recent match usually scores higher.

6) Dress code and appearance rules are fairly relaxed, though having the top three buttons open and a small ferret on your upper lip scores higher (Note: Men of this appearance are often known to be past champions of CricketWank so be extra cautious when contesting them)

7) The more sixes wanked over, the better

8) The more wickets wanked over, the better.

9) A player wins 10 wankpoints if he recalls any event in the match that might have been forgotten by the other players. (For example, "remember when that fielder on silly backward point slipped as he was throwing the ball...hahahahahahahahahahaha...it vus funny...hahahahaha....")

10) Mimicking batting strokes earns a player 5 Wankpoints

11) Mimicking bowling actions earns a player 2 Wankpoints

12) Each player must, at some point in the game, discuss who they think is the worlds best cricketer. Failure to do so will result in disqualification.

13) The player with the most CricketWank points wins. He gets the title of Champion CricketWank until Isha that day.



Let the games begin...



Cheers.

Am fae Glasgae mah wee jimmeh...

So I spent all of last week up in Glasgow doing a bit of training.

It's in Scotland for those of you who don't know where it is and live in Europe.

It's those funny sounding people from 'Braveheart' for those of you who don't know where it is and live in Yanksville.

Twas good. Sound people. Swear like murfuckers though. Fuck this and fuck that. Some of them are built like french shithouses. I could 'av 'em though. Easy. :look:

Anyway, Wednesday evening, I was a likl bit tired. Twas freezing outside and I couldnt be arsed going out. So I thought I'd have my evening meal in the hotel.

Looked at the menu. Scanned fer veggie dishes.

"Glamorgan Burger with Chips: A vegetable and cheese burger served plain or topped with cheese...blah blah...mmm...so tasty...mmm....blah blah...and chips"

Yum. Chips.

Waited 20-odd minutes fer Sue the chinese waitress to bring me my feast. Couldnt wait.

Now a word of advice. Well two words of advice actually. Never eat at the end of service and never eat near the kitchen door.

The chef had finished for the evening and came out to watch all his fine work devoured by the punters.

Now initially, he missed out on watching me screw up my face on seeing his 'Glamorgan Burger' but he wasn't going to miss out on the pleasure of watching me eat it.

Fuck me. This smells like shit. Do I have to eat this? He's watching me. I can't. Think i'm gonna puke. Down some coke. I don't wanna puke. Oh please god not here. It's embarrassing. He's watching. I cant eat this. Just walk away. Down some more coke. Take a bite. I cant walk away. He's watching. He'll mess up the only good thing at this hotel If I walk away. Breakfast. Its got a couple of twigs on it man. Take a bite. Twigs?! Who the fuck eats twigs?! At least try to look as if youre enjoying it. *fake smile* But it smells like shit. Oh god im eating shit. This is actually shit. He's feeding me actual shit. And he knows it. Im eating his shit. Sick bastard.

20 minutes later. Back in my hotel room....

Ill spare you the details.

More later.

Now you may mock my piss poor attempts at blogging of late. But as with all of my posts, theres a certain amount of wisdom in them, a lesson to be learnt or a deep philosophical question to be posed.

Yeh I know, im just awesome like that.

Anyway, point is, some of you, though not all of you, may get the chance to get married in the future. And when you do, you'll prolly keep yer wives locked in the kitchen. As you should.

One day, this wife of yours, will be bored, and may sadly, think it very romantic of her to 'experiment' with your food.

You come home. She produces 'Shite a la Sauce Tomate' on a plate.

Question is...What are you gonna do?

A) Eat it, like the whupped pussy boy you are, in fear of not getting any loving that night?
B) Throw it back at her, tell her not to mess with yer food and then lay the smackdown on her?

Make your choice...

Cheers.