Utter Bollocks...

I have an uncle.

I call him Uncle Bollocks.

I'm sure everyone has an Uncle bollocks. It's those Uncle Bollocks' that think that they're the dogs bollocks. My Uncle Bollock's the same. That is, he thinks he's the dogs bollocks. When in fact, all he does, is talk bollocks.

An example if i may:

Uncle Bollocks: Nistelrooy used to play for Aston Villa before he joined Man Utd. I read it in the paper.

Now to you ordinary plebs who know nowt bout football, this may seem quite an insignificant statement. Those of you who do know summat about the beautiful game, know that he needs to be hung from his bollocks.

Let me give you a brief history into the life of Uncle Bollocks:

Born in India.

There, that statement alone says it all. Most blokes who I've met from India, come over 'ere to get married to our lasses, inherently think that they're the dogs bollocks. I've seen them strut about as if the sun shines out of their arses. 'Studs' with slicked out hair, side parting. Couple of juicy ferrets stuck on their upper lip. Top button undone, to show that they're smuggling a large hamster underneath.

I admit, they do tend to be more streetwise than us brits, but then then that doesnt mean they can come 'ere and try screwing the system, without a second thought for whether it's Halal or not. I may be generalising a likl, but screw you, this is my blog.

Im not racist. Honest.

Anyway, I digress a likl. My rant against fobs is for another blogpost.

Back to Uncle Bollocks.

Once, my father was driving the car (an automatic) wi' Uncle Bollocks in t'passenger seat.

Uncle Bollocks: You're dipping the clutch...
Father: What?
Uncle Bollocks: I can tell, you're dipping the clutch.
Father: It's an automatic you twat, there is no clutch.
Uncle Bollocks: Automatic cars have clutches...I've seen them.
Father: Shut up, you're talking bollocks again. Stop talking bollocks.

He once tried changing the taps in the bathroom sink, "it'll only take me 15minutes"
Bollocks.
4 hours and several trips to DIY later, we called a plumber.
Cost us 60 quid. Twas done in half a hour.
Uncle Bollocks' reply? "I didn't have the right tools"

Do you have an Uncle Bollocks? Does he talk bollocks? Does he think he's the dogs bollocks?

If you do, then please let me know. I'm doing a survey.

Cheers

And I make that 25 bollocks.


In next weeks episode : Uncle Knobhead