Kingplops

Marathon Update...

2006-12-07T21:56:00.000Z

In response to this ...

I wasnt accepted.

Phew!

Cheers.

After they were famous...

2006-11-10T14:03:00.000Z

So a couple of guys came to our mosque on a 3-day Jamaat trip.

Looking at them, you'd say they were just two ordinary, unassuming guys with beards, going about their business quietly...enjoining good and forbidding from evil etc etc. (Dont hate on TJs)

It just so happens, that their names are "Junaid Jamshed" and "Saeed Anwar".

My sources tell me that the latter is supposedly a world famous Pakistani cricketer and the former is a poor mans Cat Stevens (crappy singer turned crappy nasheed artist)

So?

Exactly...

...so?

Then why the fuck was our mosque packed to the rafters with pakis?!
The last time I saw this many pakis was the time when there was a universal agreement on Eid.
People were happy.
Everything was shut.
Everyone had the same days off work.
Everyone went horn papping and flag waving at the same time.
Truly was a glorious day.
Think it was 1999.
So where did all these pakis come from?!

hmm...

Think that may have come out a likl bit racist.

Lemme rephrase that.

Then why the fuck was our mosque packed to the rafters with muslims?!
Where did all these muslims come from?!

Thats better.

But why though?

Shouldnt they have been there to begin with?
Isnt Salaah fardh on everyone?

Why does it take an average cricketer and an even less average singer to bring the hoardes out of the woodwork and into the mosque?
What is so special about these two guys?
Surely theyre just normal guys like you and me?
So they were famous...who cares?
What is wrong with these starstruck people?
They should be there regardless?

Not a good sign.

Maybe next week we'll have Muhammad Ali in.

Inshaallah.

cheers.

...

2006-09-22T19:51:00.000Z

Ramadhan mubarak uglies...

If you don't remember me in your duas...

...then you're most probably a gay.

cheers.

Elders of Today...

2006-09-17T17:42:00.000Z

So fucking lazy.

Why must they always insist on driving so slow?

Makes us young people run late...

bastards.

:mad:

Youth of Today...

2006-09-12T18:13:00.000Z

So fucking lazy.

Why must they always use the escalators at the station?

Makes us old people run late...

bastards.

:mad:

Ilm Seekers...

2006-09-05T00:25:00.000Z

http://ilmseekers.blogspot.com/

Egypt 3:16...

2006-08-27T19:35:00.000Z

One word to sum up our 7 nights...

Awesome.

Loved it so much...plannin on going to Cairo for 7 nights again in January iA.

Enjoy..

CAIRO

1&2) Pyramids of Giza 3) Sphinx

1) Al Azhar 2) Salahuddin's Mosque 3) Cairo Museum

Body of King Rameses II...who, according to our guide...was Fir'oun from the time of Musa A.S....

Personally I don't think it is...

Regardless...I managed a fart on his glass cage...never can be too sure of these things...

LUXOR

1& 2) View of the Nile from my room 3) Taxi ride.

Karnak Temple...

1700 years in the making...spanning 20 Dynasties of Pharaohs...

Hot air ballon....

We had to get up at 4.30 in the morning for this...to see the sun rise...and it was worth it.

Red Sea (Safaga)

Snorkelling in the Red Sea...prolly the best day...

I can't swim...so had a bit of a panic when my mask came off...must've swallowed half the Red Sea that day...still awesome though.

Cheers.

Egypt....

2006-08-13T16:10:00.000Z

Im off to see some dead people....

See what all the fuss is about.

Booked it!....Packed it!....Fooked off!

Salam.

Mobeel...

2006-08-03T22:26:00.000Z

So I left my mobile at home today....

Fuck me...

Never knew how attached to it i was...

I got on the train...reached into my pocket for it...cos i like to listen to faithless on the way to work...(im not gay)

Oh fuck.

What if someone rings me...

Oh fuck.

What if someone texts me...

Oh fuck.

What if my mother...while clearing some stuff *cough*making the bed*cough*...sees my phone...

Oh fuck.

What if she gives it to my younger sister...

Oh fuck.

What if she gives it to my elder sister...

Oh fuck.

What if sister goes into my phone...

Oh fuck.

What if sister sees all my dodgy text messages from my bitches...

Oh fuck.

What if sister shows mother phone...full of dodgy texts messages...

Oh fuck.

What if mother phones dad at work bout text messages...

Oh fuck.

Ill be screwed.

Hung.

Drawn.

Quartered.

At work...

ME: I've forgotten my phone...
Lass1: *shrieks*
ME: exactly...
Lass2: whats happened?
ME: I've forgotten my phone...
Lass2: *shrieks*
Lass1 + Me: Exactly!

So I rush home...go straight to my room...

Phones still there....

Phew.

Right where I left it...

Phew.

Pick up the phone...

Phew.

Check the screen...

Phew.

Then i remembered...

Uh oh.

Oh FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I dont have any friends anyway :(

And the journey begins....

2006-07-28T21:15:00.000Z

Them fuckers down in London better accept my entry.

Things I hate/annoy the shit out of me...

2006-05-28T17:00:00.000Z

Hmmm...I've a funny feeling this aint the 'complete' list...

-Chavs
-Pakis
-Gays
-Man Utd supporters
-Getting up on a workday
-Getting up
-Public transport
-Gobby teenagers
-Baby shit
-Baby puke
-Old people who stink of piss
-Office politics
-Office 'cliques'
-Fags
-Taxi drivers
-Slutty women
-Holier than thou attitudes
-People who keep repeating themselves
-People who keep repeating themselves
-People who keep repeating...erm
-Fobs (see point 2 above)
-Brummies
-Scousers
-Geordies
-Southerners
-Yanks
-Welsh
-Shop mannequins
-Retarded people (see point 2 above)
-Johnny foreigners who come 'ere to nick our jobs (see point 2 above)
-Dog shit
-Cat shit
-Lychees
-"actually"
-Safe Mode on PCs...what's all that about?
-Bluetooth headsets
-Bad breath (see point 2 above)
-Body odour (see point 2 above)
-Students
-Pussy men
-Women who nag
-Women who bitch
-Women who don't know when to shut the hell up.
-Cold callers from India enquiring whether "you vant noo mobile telephon contrek"
-Compensation people who stalk you in town centre wi' clipboards
-Those scruffs who shove free newspapers in your face (more prevalent in the Manchester area)
-Leafleters
-Pineapples
-Pasta
-Jewelry
-Fugly women
-English tea
-"and I was like..."
-Queueing up at a cash point
-Queueing up at the till
-Queueing up
-Smug people
-Toenails
-Fireworks in spring....why?!
-People who turn up late for appointments
-Tuna and sweetcorn filling
-Egg and cress filling
-Noisy eaters
-People who decide to have a convo wi you whilst eating...
-Women who try running you over wi their pushchairs
-Ambling wankers who cant decide where theyre going
-"Hello moto"
-Predictive texting...whats the point?
-Pull-along suitcases...
-People wi' dodgy earphones...either that or their musics too loud
-People who dont call back
-Stupid email forwards "Send this to 5 people and you won't die tonight.."
-Big Brother
-"basically"
-Not being able to get £5 notes out of cash machines
-Fuglies who get their baps/belly/arsecrack out at the first sight of good weather
-People with no control over their umbrellas
-Umbrellas
-T-shirts with 'amusing' stuff written across em like "sex kitten" or "muff magnet"

hmmm...

Silent but Violent...

2006-04-26T18:23:00.000Z

To all the passengers on carriage B, in the packed-like-sardines 17:40 Transpennine Express service to Manchester Piccadilly...

I apologise...

:look:

It was meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Cheers.

...pee-unit...

2006-04-12T22:57:00.000Z

I

Should

Really

Update

Shouldn't

I

?

cheers

World Beaters...

2006-03-21T22:50:00.000Z

I think I may have discovered a new sport...

It's a sport that's desi-friendly...

A sport desis can be proud of....

Finally! Desis get to be world champions at summat.

None of that kabadi bullshit...remember that? it used to be on Channel 4 on saturdays...LOL...kabad kabad kabad...what was all that about?

It's called "CricketWank"

Rules are fairly simple...

1) Males only. Women don't understand cricket or any other sport for that matter...i'll not go there.

2) Players must participate in huddles of 5 at the back of the mosque

3) Each game is played in two halves, one half before salah and the other after.

4) Players must be of desi origin. Fobs score higher.

5) Theres no strict law as to which match is analysed. Although wanking over the most recent match usually scores higher.

6) Dress code and appearance rules are fairly relaxed, though having the top three buttons open and a small ferret on your upper lip scores higher (Note: Men of this appearance are often known to be past champions of CricketWank so be extra cautious when contesting them)

7) The more sixes wanked over, the better

8) The more wickets wanked over, the better.

9) A player wins 10 wankpoints if he recalls any event in the match that might have been forgotten by the other players. (For example, "remember when that fielder on silly backward point slipped as he was throwing the ball...hahahahahahahahahahaha...it vus funny...hahahahaha....")

10) Mimicking batting strokes earns a player 5 Wankpoints

11) Mimicking bowling actions earns a player 2 Wankpoints

12) Each player must, at some point in the game, discuss who they think is the worlds best cricketer. Failure to do so will result in disqualification.

13) The player with the most CricketWank points wins. He gets the title of Champion CricketWank until Isha that day.

Let the games begin...

Cheers.

Am fae Glasgae mah wee jimmeh...

2006-03-13T21:30:00.000Z

So I spent all of last week up in Glasgow doing a bit of training.

It's in Scotland for those of you who don't know where it is and live in Europe.

It's those funny sounding people from 'Braveheart' for those of you who don't know where it is and live in Yanksville.

Twas good. Sound people. Swear like murfuckers though. Fuck this and fuck that. Some of them are built like french shithouses. I could 'av 'em though. Easy. :look:

Anyway, Wednesday evening, I was a likl bit tired. Twas freezing outside and I couldnt be arsed going out. So I thought I'd have my evening meal in the hotel.

Looked at the menu. Scanned fer veggie dishes.

"Glamorgan Burger with Chips: A vegetable and cheese burger served plain or topped with cheese...blah blah...mmm...so tasty...mmm....blah blah...and chips"

Yum. Chips.

Waited 20-odd minutes fer Sue the chinese waitress to bring me my feast. Couldnt wait.

Now a word of advice. Well two words of advice actually. Never eat at the end of service and never eat near the kitchen door.

The chef had finished for the evening and came out to watch all his fine work devoured by the punters.

Now initially, he missed out on watching me screw up my face on seeing his 'Glamorgan Burger' but he wasn't going to miss out on the pleasure of watching me eat it.

Fuck me. This smells like shit. Do I have to eat this? He's watching me. I can't. Think i'm gonna puke. Down some coke. I don't wanna puke. Oh please god not here. It's embarrassing. He's watching. I cant eat this. Just walk away. Down some more coke. Take a bite. I cant walk away. He's watching. He'll mess up the only good thing at this hotel If I walk away. Breakfast. Its got a couple of twigs on it man. Take a bite. Twigs?! Who the fuck eats twigs?! At least try to look as if youre enjoying it. *fake smile* But it smells like shit. Oh god im eating shit. This is actually shit. He's feeding me actual shit. And he knows it. Im eating his shit. Sick bastard.

20 minutes later. Back in my hotel room....

Ill spare you the details.

More later.

Now you may mock my piss poor attempts at blogging of late. But as with all of my posts, theres a certain amount of wisdom in them, a lesson to be learnt or a deep philosophical question to be posed.

Yeh I know, im just awesome like that.

Anyway, point is, some of you, though not all of you, may get the chance to get married in the future. And when you do, you'll prolly keep yer wives locked in the kitchen. As you should.

One day, this wife of yours, will be bored, and may sadly, think it very romantic of her to 'experiment' with your food.

You come home. She produces 'Shite a la Sauce Tomate' on a plate.

Question is...What are you gonna do?

A) Eat it, like the whupped pussy boy you are, in fear of not getting any loving that night?
B) Throw it back at her, tell her not to mess with yer food and then lay the smackdown on her?

Make your choice...

Cheers.

Irony...

2006-02-15T19:24:00.000Z

As the company's best performing optom last week...and the whole 'Valentines' malarkey this week...I've been awarded a romantic weekend break for two...staying at a hotel of my choice.

All expenses paid.

Any takers?

Cheers

White dog poo....

2006-02-13T19:00:00.000Z

Where's it all gone?

There used to be loads of the white chalky stuff on t'pavement when I were a lad.

You'd walk past some and then you'd spit three times cos i dunno...the jinns would take you away if you didn't.

Yeh. We were pretty fucked up when we were kids.

Hmmmmm.....

Update-ness...

2006-02-08T00:00:00.000Z

Remember faggot tool doctor? (see National Health Service post below)

It turns out the lady does have a brain tumour.

They are gonna operate on her within the next couple of weeks.

Her husband rang work yesterday to say thanks but I wasnt there.

May Allah SWT grant her a full and speedy recovery, and may He give her family strength in this time of difficulty.

Ameen.

Spring Chicken-ness...

2006-02-03T19:54:00.000Z

I'm 22 and a half.

TWENTY TWO AND A HALF!!!!!

TWENTY TWO AND A HALF!!!!!

TWENTY TWO AND A HALF!!!!!

hmmm...nope.

Repeating it in caps doesn't mek it any better.

Just where 'av the last five years gone?

Sheesh.

It's all a blurrrrr.............

It'll soon be time fer me to be snarling at pesky kids...me pipe n slippers...piss stains on me clothes...wearing me trousers up to me chest...sometimes even forgetting to wear any...pension...arthritis...high blood pressure...incontinence...walking stick...cataracts...dentures...bib to wear while eating...

oh and diabetes.

Woohoo!

National Health Service....

2006-01-28T21:57:00.000Z

I saw a lady today wi' Bitemporal Hemianopia. It's quite common, and patients presenting with this need an immediate referral to the hospital for a brain scan. Ophthalmologists don't tend to work weekends, but theres usually a half specialised, jack-of-all-trades GP on call...So I rung up the local infirmary to see whether there'd be anyone there to see her...

ME: Hello is that the Dr on call...?
CowboyGP: Yes...
ME: I've got a lady 'ere wi' a bitemporal hemianopia...I was wondering whether anyone could see her today as an emergency...Shes been complaining of headaches fer t'past 8 months...
CowboyGP: Ok, we wont be able to do any CT scans today...we'll see her on Monday...
ME: Erm...are you sure about that?...Bitemporal hemianopias are sometimes life or death...
CowboyGP: No no it's ok...trust me...Who are you?...
ME: I'm an optom wukkin in t'local area...
CowboyGP: Well that's nice...and I'm the doctor...We'll book her in for Monday...don't worry...
ME: riiight...ok...that's fine...it's your call...
CowboyGP: Yes, it is...give me her details...

*Details given*

I dint trust him...so I decided to ring up another hospital in t'area...

Lady: Hello hospital switchboard
ME: Hello, I'm an optom wukkin in t'local area and I was wonderin whether I could speak to t'doctor on call?
Lady: Yes...putting you through...hold the line...
CowboyGP: Hello?
ME: Hello, Ive got a lady wi bitemporal hemianopia...I was wondering anyone could see her today...?
CowboyGP: Haven't I just spoken to you...?
ME: Erm...you have...?
CowboyGP: Yes I have...I work on behalf of both hospitals in this area...
ME: Ohhh...erm...*long pause*...ok...sorry bout that...The lady wants to be seen at this hospital rather than the other one...
CowboyGP: Ok...we'll book her here...ON MONDAY...theres no chance of having scans done here or over there...so it'll have to be done MONDAY...
ME: *sheepish* ....Ok, Monday...
CowboyGP: Don't worry yourself over it...
ME: ah, ok....and shall I...

*click*

knob...

15 mintes later...He rings back...

ME: Hello?
CowboyGP: Is that the optom I just spoke to?
ME: Yes...
CowboyGP: You don't happen to have the patients phone number do you?
ME: Why?
CowboyGP: Well, I was busy wi' a patient on another line earlier when you rang and couldnt get enough details from you, maybe it'd be a good idea to have her come and see us today for a brain scan...

(he prolly went and read up on it...the shithead...)

ME: Well yeah, that's what i was asking for...but ...youre the doctor...
CowboyGP: Yeh, I was a bit preoccupied earlier...I dint understand what was happening...bitemproal hemianopias could indicate brain tumours...
ME: mmhmm indeed...they could...

*Gave him phone number*

CowboyGP: Ok, do you want to ring her or shall I?
ME: You do it mate, I've done my bit in referring her to you...(knob)...
CowboyGP: What was that?
ME: oh nowt...
CowboyGP: Ok, well i'll give her a ring and thanks fer referring her...
ME: No problem...cheers

*click*

BOOOOOOOOOYAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Inspires confidence in our NHS doesn't it?

Cheers.

Quick Question...

2006-01-24T19:26:00.000Z

Is it kinda gay-ish fer a bloke to be walkin around wi' an umbrella?

I know those soothern lah-di-dah "okay yah, i'm makin millions on the stock exchange" poofters carry one around lookin well gay, but I hate standing next to a lass on a packed out train wi' a wet coat.

Utter Bollocks...

2006-01-19T22:32:00.000Z

I have an uncle.

I call him Uncle Bollocks.

I'm sure everyone has an Uncle bollocks. It's those Uncle Bollocks' that think that they're the dogs bollocks. My Uncle Bollock's the same. That is, he thinks he's the dogs bollocks. When in fact, all he does, is talk bollocks.

An example if i may:

Uncle Bollocks: Nistelrooy used to play for Aston Villa before he joined Man Utd. I read it in the paper.

Now to you ordinary plebs who know nowt bout football, this may seem quite an insignificant statement. Those of you who do know summat about the beautiful game, know that he needs to be hung from his bollocks.

Let me give you a brief history into the life of Uncle Bollocks:

Born in India.

There, that statement alone says it all. Most blokes who I've met from India, come over 'ere to get married to our lasses, inherently think that they're the dogs bollocks. I've seen them strut about as if the sun shines out of their arses. 'Studs' with slicked out hair, side parting. Couple of juicy ferrets stuck on their upper lip. Top button undone, to show that they're smuggling a large hamster underneath.

I admit, they do tend to be more streetwise than us brits, but then then that doesnt mean they can come 'ere and try screwing the system, without a second thought for whether it's Halal or not. I may be generalising a likl, but screw you, this is my blog.

Im not racist. Honest.

Anyway, I digress a likl. My rant against fobs is for another blogpost.

Back to Uncle Bollocks.

Once, my father was driving the car (an automatic) wi' Uncle Bollocks in t'passenger seat.

Uncle Bollocks: You're dipping the clutch...
Father: What?
Uncle Bollocks: I can tell, you're dipping the clutch.
Father: It's an automatic you twat, there is no clutch.
Uncle Bollocks: Automatic cars have clutches...I've seen them.
Father: Shut up, you're talking bollocks again. Stop talking bollocks.

He once tried changing the taps in the bathroom sink, "it'll only take me 15minutes"
Bollocks.
4 hours and several trips to DIY later, we called a plumber.
Cost us 60 quid. Twas done in half a hour.
Uncle Bollocks' reply? "I didn't have the right tools"

Do you have an Uncle Bollocks? Does he talk bollocks? Does he think he's the dogs bollocks?

If you do, then please let me know. I'm doing a survey.

Cheers

And I make that 25 bollocks.

In next weeks episode : Uncle Knobhead

Yeh...

2006-01-07T22:46:00.000Z

Thought I'd update you guys on stuff that's been happening to me in the last week or so...read it only if you're interested...If you're not interested...fuck off by pressing ALT + F4...cheers...

1) Mr 'A' thought I was a GP. He took his shoes and socks off for me to have a look at his crusty toes. Nice.

ME: Diagnosis? Well...erm...crusty toes. Obviously.

2) Mrs 'W' liked my hair...

Mrs 'W' : I like your hair...
Me: ...erm...thanks...

*long pause*

Mrs 'W': Can I stroke it?
Me: Yeh, sure why not...

*strokes hair*

Mrs 'W': Smooth...
Me: chyeh...it is, isn't it...

(Must point out that Mrs 'W' is 72 years old)

3) I want one of these badboys...saw it in Dixons...CLICK QUICK! ...:drool:...and don't come to me wi' the 'TV is haram' spiel...you love it really...admit it...

4) Bastard Islamica pissed me off a few times.

5) Train fares have gone up...again. Thieving gits.

6) I went to a 'halal' takeaway...Ordered a 'Meat Feast' pizza...Took it back to work...Realised that there were little squares of pink meat on it...Binned the pizza...Rang the takeaway...You have to remember that it's run by a bunch of Turkish immigrants...Probably illegal...You can also have your phone unblocked there for a fiver...or even buy a new one...for a fiver. Dodgy bastards.

Monkey: Hello *blank* Peeza
ME: *deep voice* Hello, Yeah I'd like to order a pizza...
Monkey: veech van?
ME: erm...meat feast...what toppings do you put on it?
Monkey: meat...you know...schicken...beef...pepperoni...ham...donner...all...
Me: wait...did you say HAM?!!...
Monkey: yes...ham...
ME: but..but...you sed it 'alal!...
Monkey: *pause*...yus...it is halal...
ME: you have halal ham?...
Monkey: its schicken ham...
ME: riiiight...I'll call you back in two minutes...

*click*

N.B. Some names may have been changed to protect the identities of all those involved

Never going there again...I'll stick to my McDonalds...thank you very much...Does such a thing as 'chicken ham' exist?...

In next weeks episode: Mr 'R'...the Mute.

Cheers

Standing....

2005-12-29T22:51:00.000Z

...in the light field, waiting fer some action.

Thank You

I hate it...

2005-11-08T17:31:00.000Z

...when people won't give me any credit for my amazing and dazzling genius.

Bastards.

.

2005-11-04T15:00:00.000Z